Dear NBA--You're Killing Me

Dear NBA,

Really? Another Game 7 that starts at 8pm? Does anyone in your company have kids?

Well, I do have kids. In particular, I have 11 and 12 year-old boys who live and die by sports. Isaiah Thomas is their idol. Their rooms are decorated with lifesize Fatheads of Steph Curry and Kevin Durant. They have NFL and MLB sheets. Their bodies are constantly covered in team apparel from hats to shirts to jerseys to pajama pants.

Of course they want nothing more than to stay up to watch all of Game 7. Watching the first half and then going to bed blows. You should know that. Some people claim that the last few minutes of a basketball game are the only thing worth watching anyway.

If I let them stay up till 11:00, they will be a total shit-show not just the next day but probably for the next several days.

If I make them go to bed, I will claim the crown of worst-mother-ever. And did you know that all their friends are getting to stay up? At least that’s what they tell me when they are in full beg mode.

I don’t want to rob them of fond childhood memories. Stories they will retell their whole lives--remember that Game 7 against the Wizards back in ‘17?

No, I was asleep. My mom made me.

I get it. I love sports too. I am fully steeped in all the lore of last-minute Game 7 moments--Bird leading the Celtics on that sweltering day in 1987 against the Pistons. Bird pouring in 20 points in the fourth quarter in 1988 against the Hawks, Paul Pierce and LeBron going head to head in 2008 and then P.J. Brown hitting a crucial shot for the win. 

I want to let them stay up. I really do. But I can’t deal with the carnage. I don’t want to field another email from a teacher saying my kid fell asleep in class.

Honestly, the 8pm start is even too late for me. But I can caffeine up the next day. Can't exactly give my kid a morning cup of coffee...

So what’s with the 8pm start time? (And btw, tip-off is always 10 min late.) Is it for sponsors or does it have to do with TV rights? Maybe I could handle 8pm if it didn’t include all the neverending TV timeouts to fit in your commercials and the extended half-time show.

Don’t you want the younger generations to watch your games? Aren’t they the future viewership of your sport?

Listen, could you at least keep the deciding games to Friday or Saturday nights? That might be manageable. But Monday night? Are you fricking kidding me? Thanks for killing my whole week.

I buy your merch for my kids. I shell out way too much for cable so we can watch your games. I shell out even more for occasional tickets to your games. Can you please throw me a bone and do something about these late starts?

And while you’re at it, have a convo with the other major league sports. Because when basketball season ends, it’s time for those late night MLB playoff games and soon after Monday and Thursday Night Football (wasn't Monday enough?), and after that March Madness, and then back to you again...

Please, help a mother out.

Sex (with apologies to Shel Silverstein)

"I cannot go to bed naked today,"

said mother Peggy Ann McKay.

I have stretch marks and spider veins,

A scar, thick thighs, and throbbing migraines.

My boobs sag, my abs are weak,

My milk is surely going to leak.

My butt is still as big as a bear's,

I've counted sixteen gray hairs, 

And there's one more--that's seventeen,

And don't you think my skin looks green?

My back aches-my eyes are red-

It might be lack of sleep, my best friend said.

I whine and whimper and sob and cry,

I'm sure that my sex drive has run dry.

My shoulder hurts when I move my arm,

My body has clearly bought the farm.

I have muffin top and my legs are-what?

What's that?  What's that you say?

You say my husband loves my body anyway?

Good-bye, I'm hopping into bed naked right away!

What's a mompage?

I thought I'd invented the word "mompage" by combining mom and rampage but apparently it's already a thing according to the urban dictionary (which I find myself using a lot).

Mompage

A combination of the word mom and rampage, used to describe a furious mom with whom one can't solve issues or even talk to until she's calmed down.

friend nr1: isn't mark coming today?
friend nr2: no, his mom went into a mom page because of his grades and he's grounded for life.

What you'll find here are my ramblings about raising kids with or without going insane, having mom friends or a lack of mom friends, and basically living the mom dream.